There is tentative good cheer in soapland now that shows are in negotiations to start re-shooting, following the coronavirus hiatus, but only if they adhere to social distancing rules.
This is obviously going to affect storylines dramatically. How will Emmerdale’s Priya manage to survive being in the same room as a man, six feet apart?
She can’t even see a guy without pouncing on him like a hungry cat on a lame mouse. And how will any woman manage to keep her hands off Cain when he comes into view (it would take restraints as well as chloroform to keep me away from him)?
Filming in characters’ homes is going to be easy enough. In Corrie, no one ever wants to be around Tracy for any length of time anyway, and there are zero customers who go to the Co-op and only two at a time in Dev’s – and that’s on a busy day.
The most difficult scenes to shoot will be those that take place in soapland’s pubs. In EastEnders’ Queen Vic, Tracey will be assured of a job because she has only been spoken to about three times in a decade (they’ll be bringing her out of pasture, mark my words), but no one will be allowed to punch anyone any more. How are hostelries going to survive?
CORONATION STREET
OFF YER BIKE!
For his latest escapade, David ventures out to pursue lads on bikes and deliberately pushes one over
Surely the best way for David to get high would be to take David the dog for a run; the poor mutt hasn’t been out for months and must be the size of a small house by now.
FAMILY MATTERS
You’d think the biggest stress in Dev’s life would be the arrival of the Co-op. But yet again it’s those children of his.
Keen to impress staying safe online upon Asha, he shows her an article – in a broadsheet, which his shop doesn’t even stock now.
Maybe he’s been sneaking out to the Co-op. Aadi is also in trouble after fighting to defend his sister. Maybe time to put the pair of them on eBay, Dev.
Keen to impress staying safe online upon Asha, Dev shows her an article (pictured)
But for reasons not quite clear (he’s tried to explain, to no avail), he has decided to get his kicks by going to the Hylda Baker estate (yes, really – young people will have to look the name up) and taking on dangerous youths.
For his latest escapade, he ventures out to pursue lads on bikes and deliberately pushes one over (pictured).
Running away is apparently what he enjoys – literally running for his life, as he told Craig last week.
Given the number of youngsters always present when David makes his move, it’s a mystery why they don’t just grab him and beat him to a pulp; in any case, I’m not buying it.
Still, the opportunity it’s given David to form a new bond with softie Craig is touching – and also, with Craig being David’s new running buddy, it gives the show an authentic reason to explain the incredible weight loss of Colson Smith (Craig) in real life (well done, by the way! You look amazing).
In the middle of all this distress, it is good to see Evelyn and Arthur having a good time.
Don’t expect hanky panky soon, though. ‘Would you like a nice cup of cocoa or will you wait for the Sanatogen infusion?’ she asked him on Monday. A much-needed laugh for us.
EMMERDALE
SINS OF THE FLESH (AGAIN)
Fresh from her romp with Malone, Harriet buries her guilt when Will proposes (pictured) and urges the village to join in a celebratory engagement drink
Thank goodness Harriet is not Catholic, because there aren’t enough confessional boxes in the world to contain her sins.
Fresh from her romp with Malone, she buries her guilt when Will proposes (pictured) and urges the village to join in a celebratory engagement drink.
Always ask the potential bride if she’s up for it (the wedding, not a romp in the vestry with a local) before you ask the Big Question.
Has life in this village taught him nothing? Trying to deflect attention, Harriet tries to turn it into a double party with Moira. Talk about putting a damp Scotch mist on the proceedings.
DON’T STAND BY YOUR TAN
Andrea is doing her Tammy Wynette impression, standing by her man, even when Jamie tells her he’s initiating D-I-V-O-R-C-E proceedings and she discovers he’s still having an affair with Belle.
Did she really think a holiday in the sun would resolve matters? Now, she’s intent on revenge and enlists Leyla’s help.
Really? A woman whose relationship advice must be as useful as that of a hen party in Ibiza.
Also look out for the big reveal, when Paul tells Vinny that he’s his dad – but Vinny is not happy.
Why would he be? Maybe he remembers Paul’s treatment of Gail in Corrie!
EASTENDERS
CUSTOMER SERVICE
Life gets worse when the customer returns and destroys the van, upsetting Keegan (pictured, with Tiffany and Iqra)
You have to wonder if Keegan has a target on his back; yet again he finds himself in trouble not of his own making, when a customer at his food truck accuses him of being a drug dealer.
Poor lad. Crimes against fashion are his only real misdemeanours, and he’s not alone. Tiffany jumps to his defence, but he’s furious she’s trying to fight his battles.
At least the week presents a good opportunity for Karen and Tiffany to bond (pictured), when the pair discuss Keegan
Life gets worse when the customer returns and destroys the van, upsetting Keegan.
Frankly, it’s an improvement; Keegan should go down on bended knee and be grateful he didn’t have to pay for a re-design.
At least the week presents a good opportunity for Karen and Tiffany to bond, when the pair discuss Keegan.
It’s not often you can get Karen to shut up long enough for her to listen to anyone else (but I’ll bet she never misses the pizza delivery man ringing the front doorbell, though), so this is a small miracle in itself.
It’s encouraging that the in-your-face character has been given more range over time, but those moments are still few and far between.
It would be good to see the versatile actress Lorraine Stanley, who plays Karen, be given more expansive storylines.
KEEPING SPIRITS ALIVE
Can anyone even remember what Stacey looks like? Yet her name is always cropping up, like the spectre at the feast, and forever lurking, reminding us all of how bad things were when she was around.
Nevertheless, Jean is determined to bring Stacey home, desperate to make Phil forget her transgressions.
Despite Shirley’s best attempts to prevent their meeting, the plan backfires and Jean dons her best garb (doubtless another piece of tat she acquired from Stacey’s old market stall) to try to impress Phil and win him round (pictured). I wouldn’t bother; he’s not a sequins man.
A pint of orange juice and an offer to bump off a business rival is the only thing that ever seems to work.
Or she could talk to Sharon since she seems to have the knack (although whatever it is, science has yet to come up with a name for it).
Shirley, meanwhile, tries another tack and puts pressure on Kush to call Stacey. See what I mean?
This isn’t just the spectre at the feast; it’s more like a production meeting for the next Ghostbusters movie.
