Worldwide events rarely impact upon soapland, which is a law unto itself. While many issues encountered in real life – such as illness, death and murder – regularly feature, hardly anyone watches the news.
A football World Cup might get a few passing mentions, and a royal wedding a pub or street party, but for the most part the outside world passes this parallel universe by.
Until now. The coronavirus pandemic has changed not only our existence but that of soapland.
Given restrictions put in place regarding actors and production staff, shows have cut their numbers to ensure viewers can continue watching (though EastEnders has now ceased filming altogether).
There are also last-minute plot additions, such as stressing the importance of thorough hand-washing (bizarrely, something no one has ever done in the pubs’ toilets).
As characters have to turn increasingly to different things to fill their time, what options are there?
In Emmerdale, there is enough space for people to take walks a mile apart, and Corrie’s Ken can take refuge in his Dostoevsky translations.
The biggest fear is if Rita follows the example of Coldplay’s Chris Martin and starts performing online. That really would be the end of the world.
EMMERDALE: LOVE LAB
This week the chemistry is sizzling between her and Al and Prima (pictured) in Emmerdale
Are there any men left on whom Priya hasn’t left her mark, literally and metaphorically?
She’s beautiful and all, but couldn’t she take time off from blokes for the occasional coffee?
PARTNERS IN GRIME
Having been left money by Graham, Rhona is upset when Kim insists she won’t get her hands on it.
But, worrying about Moira’s finances, she offers to go into business with her. Doing what, pray?
Writing a book of 100 ways to have farmyard nookie (actually, several volumes, given Moira’s history)?
Rhona insists the business honours Graham’s legacy. What, exactly, is that?
With Moira as a partner, the only thing you’ll be able to sell is Scotch mist. The alcoholic kind.
Having been left money by Graham, Rhona (pictured) is upset when Kim insists she won’t get her hands on it
This week the chemistry is sizzling between her and Al – I tell you, Dr Frankenstein couldn’t conjure up as much chemistry in his lab as this woman manages to do in an office/bar (any building that stays stationary long enough).
Alas, they’re interrupted as they try to kiss, but the next day see it through. Priya wants to keep things professional (yeah, right), but they get steamy again (pictured, see what I mean?).
This time Jai interrupts them. Get a room! And put some clothes on, woman. I’ve seen leather wallets bigger than that skirt.
In less appetising scenes, Dan is very unwell after last week’s scare after biting into a wrap that contained nuts.
Allergies are no joke, but Dan looks as if he’s in the throes of some kind of attack most of the time, never more so than when he was with Kerry – and I can’t see that a relationship with Mandy will improve matters.
A spell of unconsciousness might be his only chance of obtaining respite from her yelling.
At least it’s clear she’s on his side when she goes foraging in the garbage to prove Brenda is behind his state.
Elsewhere, Jamie thinks that the answer to the vet’s financial problems is to fire Belle. No. More sick animals would do it.
EASTENDERS: CRYING OVER YOU
Eastenders: Full marks to the make-up department for having made Sharon (pictured) look such a wreck recently
Full marks to the make-up department for having made Sharon look such a wreck recently; ‘walking Titanic’ doesn’t begin to cover it.
And huge credit to Letitia Dean for such a moving, heart-rending performance as a mother grieving for her child.
There are tensions at Dennis’s wake, when Sharon notices a detail that Linda has missed (probably busy hiding a stash of vodka behind the coffin).
And who is the mystery guest that shocks her? None other than Phil.
I hope he has his hard hat on; Sharon is not in a friendly mood.
CORONATION STREET: BLIND PANIC
Given Spain’s lockdown, Geoff must be some sort of miracle worker to have booked a hotel and flights to Alicante for Zeedan’s wedding.
Who could have predicted, when the scenes were shot, many weeks ago, what the situation would be, so for now we have to suspend disbelief and go along with the man’s latest pack of lies.
When he has another of his funny turns, Yasmeen calls an ambulance, but the paramedics can find nothing wrong. Where’s that straitjacket when you need it?
Alya does some digging before confronting Geoff about his fictitious hotel booking
Alya discovers there is no heart problem, and Geoff threatens her when she reveals she’s been to the police
Alya discovers there is no 5-star booking (maybe she called the World Health Organisation?), no heart problem, and Geoff threatens her when she reveals she’s been to the police.
Will his behaviour be enough to open Yasmeen’s eyes, or is it going to take a Specsavers squad armed with lasers to achieve that?
When he goes for a bath, Yasmeen opens his laptop, but what will she find? Have you noticed how many baths Geoff takes, by the way?
I hope they’re not on a water meter (I worry about such things). And have you noticed how we never hear the water running?
Two days later, he’s in the shower. Now’s your chance, Yasmeen. Cue Psycho music. EEEGH! EEEGH! EEEGH!
CORONATION STREET: IT’S A MUG’S GAME
Has someone in Manchester acquired a job lot of hoodies?
Or did the gang attacking David break into the show’s wardrobe department and steal the ones used by the last gang who wore them?
Either way, they herald another bad week for the unlucky man who, on top of the distress about Shona, didn’t get to see his kids.
Where are they? Nobody has even noticed they’ve disappeared. Maybe David the dog has eaten them, although he’s disappeared, too.
Did the gang attacking David Platt (pictured) break into the show’s wardrobe department and steal the ones used by the last gang who wore them?
Maybe Eccles ate him, because I can’t help noticing the poor canine looks two stone heavier since Ken went into Alcatraz.
Goodness knows what the muggers are hoping to steal, other than a can of beer that seems permanently wedged in David’s hand.
The ‘culturally stimulating apartment complex’ as Norris calls Stillwaters is providing plenty of laughs and it’s a joy to have him back, allowing Mary some great lines with her ex.
‘I posed as an artist’s model once,’ she said, discussing art, ‘with some well-placed chiffon and two pomegranates.’ She’s your soulmate, Norris! Freda must go!
