When they are not having affairs, falling sick, murdering each other et al, soap characters endure considerable boredom. In EastEnders, this means never ordering more than two pub drinks, buying a kebab (on a really exciting day), or nursing a fry-up in the café.
In Emmerdale, tedium ranges from endless talk of the financial pitfalls of farming, to the financial pitfalls of being a vet (I’m no Martin Lewis, but I can see the problems with both: not enough flamin’ animals!)
Corrie’s tedium involves clothes folding from a never-empty washing basket (Gail), talking about sticky buns (the factory workers), and parents discussing the school run.
Fiz has had enough and seeing Tyrone in his vest on the sofa last week, beer can in hand, tipped her over the edge.
She’s been moaning that all they talk about is The Girls and what they’re going to eat. Tyrone’s answer? Going out for pizza, or maybe he can cook…
By its very nature, soap needs normality running alongside high drama; but after Covid-19 lockdown, is anyone else craving daily doses of a serial killer?
CORONATION STREET: WITNESS REFLECTION
Sally visits Yasmeen (pictured) after hearing that she was locked in the magic box by Geoff in this week’s Coronation Street
Fair play to Sally. She may be a social climber, but she has a keen sense of justice and is stunned to hear about Geoff locking Yasmeen in the magic box (could have been worse; she could have been trapped with Ken for a couple of hours).
After Alya asks her to be a witness for the defence, Sally visits Yasmeen and is shocked to hear even more about the house of horrors.
But how will Geoff react? When Tim walks in on his terrified wife being confronted by his dad, will Tim be persuaded that Geoff is the real baddie? Alas, it could be some time before Nice But Dim Tim acknowledges the truth.
With fewer episodes, the week feels top-heavy with serious stuff, so we must be grateful for Roy and Arthur discovering their mutual love of steam engines and being able to… well, let off steam about their pet subject.
‘I’d love to talk to you about your time on the Settle to Carlisle line,’ said Roy on Wednesday. This week, he invites himself along when Arthur and Evelyn take a walk beside the Rochdale Canal. Don’t step too near the edge, Roy; Evelyn is not happy.
EMMERDALE: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE (NOT)
Chas lectures Belle (pictured) about her relationship with Jamie and talks to Bob about dating sites in Emmerdale
Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday that Belle was born on Christmas Day 1998. She didn’t speak for about the first eight years, and now you can’t shut her up, and she’s always entering into liaisons with unsuitable men. Like I said: time flies.
Now Chas is lecturing her about her relationship with Jamie, but is she the right person to be advising caution? She’s also telling Bob about dating sites.
Taking relationship advice from her is like asking Norman Bates about the hotel industry. Will Belle take heed? She’s certainly rattled, but then she’s been rattled so many times in her young life, she may as well re-market herself as a pair of maracas and have done with it.
Kim, meanwhile, is working on Jamie, encouraging him to forget about Andrea, but when Kim receives an anonymous call, Jamie hopes it’s the clue to discovering Andrea’s location.
Will he regret setting off with the intention of bringing her back? You can’t help feeling Jamie would be far happier if he just went to Vegas with the guys.
At least there’s good relationship news when Jacob and Leanna agree to be ‘exclusive’.
They also plot to reunite Leyla and Liam, when Liam returns depressed from his murder mystery retreat. Er, isn’t that Emmerdale pretty much most of the time? Why pay for it, when it’s going for free on your own doorstep?
EASTENDERS: CHRISTIAN LOVE
Syed (pictured) heads for his wedding to Amira, after declaring his love for Christian in an archived episode of EastEnders from 2010
Mike Oldfield once sang about the joys of being On Horseback. Heading for his wedding to Amira in this rerun from 2010, Syed looks as if he’d rather be anywhere but on horseback.
Having declared his love for Christian (him of the sweaty T-shirts when jogging round the Square), he incurs the wrath of Zainab, the mother from hell who regards homosexuality as a perversion.
So the wedding is a tense affair, with Christian arriving at the key moment and Syed hesitating when asked, ‘Do you accept her?’ He says yes. Just as well. Zainab’s expression makes it clear he’ll be horsemeat if it’s a no.
