Partnerships, romantic or otherwise, have a tough time in soapland at the best of times; so, imagine being holed up with one other person and being unable to do anything about it.
With some of Emmerdale’s pairs in lockdown, enduring difficulties dealing with each other’s problems and foibles, I’ve been pondering the options of various soap characters, were I to be incarcerated with them.
In Corrie, I’d be happy with Carla because we’d never run out of red wine; Sally, because we’d never run out of baked beans; and Gary, because he’d beat anyone up who came to steal our limited supply of toilet paper.
Walford would pose a more difficult problem, not least because no EastEnder ever cooks, and the chippy might be closed, so we’d probably both starve to death. Phil would be good company because, at his best, he’s a bit of a laugh.
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’d want Cain as my lockdown buddy in Emmerdale, but I wouldn’t say no to newcomer Paul, either. Yes, he’s a baddie, too. I think it’s safe to say that where this village is concerned, I definitely have a type.
CORONATION STREET
DRUNKEN IN THE STARS
Despite feeling out of his depth (not hard; Daniel could drown in an eye bath), Daniel is drawn to Nicky (pictured, with Daniel and Adam), a woman who puts him at his ease
Poor Adam, who became another victim of Zodiacgate – his real birthday is 3 May but, owing to coronavirus lockdown changing the dates of episodes, it’s only just occurring.
He was a Taurus and now he’s a Gemini, but maybe in this day and age it’s acceptable to define your own zodiac identity.
Anyway, having let down Daniel after asking him to have a boys’ night in for his birthday (typical Gemini), Adam then takes pity on him (typical Taurus) and invites him to a posh lawyers’ drinks do.
Despite feeling out of his depth (not hard; Daniel could drown in an eye bath), Daniel is drawn to Nicky, a woman who puts him at his ease.
Really? Daniel? What’s her secret? Chloroform? She suggests they make a night of it and off they go. That didn’t take much, did it?
The biggest question is how they managed to fill the party, given that Imran, Adam and Paula are the only lawyers in town. Maybe the guys from Yasmeen’s plea hearing have joined in.
And the big question for them all is: will Geoff be brought to justice? My money’s on Sally to bring him down – and feed him to those chickens. Cluck, cluck, out of luck.
EASTENDERS
BILLY ONE MATE
Billy tells Mitch he’s determined to fight for Karen (with what, pray? He couldn’t beat anyone in a cotton bud fencing class) and the pair (pictured) go on a date
Which does Billy lose faster, women or money? It’s a tough call as he doesn’t have much luck holding on to either.
Despite Mitch insisting Karen will always go back to him, Karen swears that Billy’s the only man for her, which tells you she doesn’t get out much, or there’s no one else in the queue for her. Or both.
Billy tells Mitch he’s determined to fight for Karen (with what, pray? He couldn’t beat anyone in a cotton bud fencing class) and the pair (pictured) go on a date.
Alas, it goes horribly wrong when they bump into Mitch and Keegan and, when Karen follows her son, Mitch and Billy end up in a fight.
Guess who comes off worse (go on: try, Sherlock)? When Karen returns, Billy thinks it’s time to give her an ultimatum (please let it be ‘Get a decent hairdresser or the relationship’s off’).
Phil, meanwhile, is still trying to get his hands on the Vic (what is it with alcoholics wanting to be pub owners in soapland?), but Linda is holding out because she doesn’t want to sell to him.
Her reason? She doesn’t like the way he’s been treating Sharon. Come on: he machetes his way through those eyelashes to kiss her; that’s love.
Mick enlists Sharon’s help to try to persuade Linda, as they both agree she’d be better off away from temptation.
Here’s a better idea: let Mick run off with Sharon, leaving Linda and Phil to run the pub – now that really would be a marriage made in vodka hell.
EMMERDALE
TWO’S NOT COMPANY
Nicola isn’t exactly low maintenance in non-lockdown, so you have to feel for Jimmy (pictured, with Nicola) when she starts complaining her life is dull (she’s only just noticed?)
Nicola isn’t exactly low maintenance in non-lockdown, so you have to feel for Jimmy (pictured, with Nicola) when she starts complaining her life is dull (she’s only just noticed?).
She thinks everyone is having a better time, but what can Jimmy do to help? Divorce seems the most obvious answer.
Mandy and Vinny are having better fun with beauty products, beer and karaoke (not so good with Mandy’s screeching).
But how will they cope when they discover the prosecco fridge is locked and the key’s missing? A case of sparkling whines? There’s always a gun hanging around: shoot the lock off.
