The longer coronavirus restrictions go on, the more other-worldly soapland feels. A major difficulty is that owing to the reduced number of episodes, events are out of sync.
Thus, in Coronation Street, hot cross buns were being eaten at the end of April instead of in the middle; and on Monday last week, Gail celebrated her birthday, when the actual date is 16 April.
It’s strange, in hospital scenes (all three soaps featured them last week), for there to be no mention of Covid-19 or, in pubs, for nobody to be discussing what is currently an international topic of conversation.
Despite the odd hand-washing lesson thrown in, according to Government guidelines (20 seconds singing Happy Birthday twice), I still can’t get through the ditty once in under 15 seconds. Am I OCD?
But an escape from reality is what we all need right now and, for the moment, anyway, the soaps continue to deliver the security blanket of the familiar.
How many episodes they have left in the bag remains to be seen, and how productions will deal with major rewrites will be a fascinating masterclass and probably a TV documentary: When A Pandemic Messes With Your Schedule. ITV are probably already in pre-production. From a safe distance, of course.
EASTENDERS
BAND OF BRUVVERS
Ian reveals Habiba’s latest plan to Max and makes him an offer that he can’t refuse in this week’s EastEnders
There are few certainties in Walford, but this much is true: Ian and Max will do anything to make a fast buck, lie and cheat to get what they want, and wear the same clothes for years without ever putting them in the wash.
When the two get together, there is only trouble ahead, and when Ian susses Habiba’s latest plan, he reveals all to Max and later makes him an offer he can’t refuse (there aren’t many offers Max refuses, especially if they involve scantily-clad ladies offering him everything on a plate. And we’re not talking his dinner).
Martin also gets an offer he can’t refuse. After tackling a thief, Ruby offers him a security job at the club.
Ooh, that’ll be a tough one: having to hold back the dozen people they get in there each night. Let’s hope he has SAS backup.
It’s less of a good week for Phil, who has a big decision to make regarding The Job. Yes, I’ve forgotten what it is; I suspect Phil has too.
Anyway, there are only two types of job in Walford: there’s a Big Job – cue Mick frowning a lot and doing his bad Don Corleone impression, and Phil staring at a bottle of whisky before deciding to pour it down the sink (the most inebriated pipes in Britain); and a Little Job – anything involving Ben screwing up. You have been warned, Phil.
TWO’S NOT COMPANY
Ben is declared not well enough for surgery in EastEnders. Pictured: Callum supporting Ben
Callum is lovely, but in terms of support for Ben he’s as useful as a chocolate teapot and is on a hiding to nothing when it comes to talking to him – not just due to Ben’s hearing loss.
There’s more tension when Ben is declared not well enough for surgery. With Ben and Phil brooding about the change of events, will Kaffy suspect something else is afoot? What do you fink, Kaffy? They’re certainly not discussing what colour grapes Ben would prefer when he finally has the op.
EMMERDALE
A SCRAPPY BUSINESS
Mandy (pictured) turns to social networking to discover whether Alex is male or female in Coronation Street
Reece Dinsdale is not only a fine actor, he’s one of the nicest people in the business, and his arrival in the village as Paul casts a light in these gloomy times.
How long before Vinny realises his new friend Alex at the scrapyard is his dad, Paul? Mandy’s on the case, turning to social networking to discover whether Alex is male or female.
I hate to put a dampener on Mandy’s super-sleuthing, but here’s a novel idea: go to the scrapyard and see for yourself. And, while you’re there, throw your jewellery in with the rest of the metal junk.
HOLY MOLY!
Will somebody please tell Harriet the vestry is where the hymn books are kept? How that woman even manages to keep her dog collar on when lustful men are around is a miracle in itself; but she’s turned that vestry into the den of iniquity that the cricket pavilion used to be.
She had a passionate romp with Cain there in the summer of 2017, and this week she’s back there with Malone (and they’re not tidying the hymn books, I can tell you).
Despite Harriet’s guilt, will Billy’s interference add a whole new chapter to Vestry-gate?
CORONATION STREET
OLIVER – ANOTHER TWIST
Leanne and Steve are devastated when Oliver is forced to return to hospital in Coronation Street. Pictured: Leanne and Steve with Oliver
There is never a comfortable way to do storylines involving children and illness, and Oliver’s return to hospital is devastating to Leanne and Steve.
Having been suffering unexplained fits they thought was epilepsy, the doctor breaks the news (inset) that the lad may have mitochondrial disease, an often inherited illness that can cause physical, developmental and cognitive disabilities.
Doubtless there will be many parents and organisations grateful for the attention being brought to this rare condition and empathising with Leanne and Steve, whose devastation feels distressingly real. Will this revelation bring them closer together again?
In the midst of big issues at the moment – homophobia, racism, post-partum depression – there are still pockets of laughter to raise our spirits.
In a light-hearted moment on Monday, Audrey said she had heard Portuguese wine – vinho verde – was all the rage. She shared a bottle (or two) with Gail, who reminisced about her childhood, being told to wash her hands (we know; enough of the infomercial).
Audrey then bought wine in Dev’s on Friday. Out-of-sync editing, or just thirsty? Oh and Audrey – it’s half the price at the Co-op.
CHILD FRIENDLY
Michael Bailey’s ex Grace and their daughter Tianna (pictured) arrive on the cobbles in Coronation Street
Edison, Aggie, James and Michael Bailey have certainly made their mark on the cobbles, and with the arrival of Michael’s ex Grace and their incredibly cute daughter Tianna, there’s a whole new dimension to the family.
Seeing Michael with Tianna, I hope Grace has a change of heart about any future they may have.
Let’s also hope the show gives the Baileys storylines other than racism and racism/homophobia (talk about a double whammy; James really pulled the short straw).
Why, because the characters are black, do there always have to be predictable, issue-based plots? The good news, though, is that never having been the brightest bulb in the box, Edison might be about to see the light (geddit?).
In the middle of all the heavy stuff, thank goodness for the joyous coupling of Arthur and Evelyn (Maureen Lipman is sublime); they are a great pairing.
When Tyrone finds them enjoying breakfast together, are we to assume, as he does, that Arthur stayed the night? Evelyn assures Fiz they are just good friends, but let’s hope not.
